Luckie St.

I'm becoming increasingly restless. Everything here is so pointless. My life finally starts in Feburary.

Everything and nothing has changed all at once. I'm still head over heels for Brad. I couldn't live without him. My kitten got hit by a car, but he's ok, just a bit shaken. I made some new friends. One really good girl friend. I finally feel like I've got back something I lost a long time ago. She's fun and we can talk for hours. She's not stupid or slutty or hung up on things I find completely irrelevent to my happiness. I love her :)
I'm getting thinner. My hair is way longer. I'm generally having more fun than I used to.
I feel like me again.
I feel again.

Today, Christmas Eve, it seems like the little things count. Like mum buying me tea leaves and putting cherries in a bowl on the table. I can smell food. I'm so happy Brad's presents got here in time for Christmas!

I'm so excited for our family holiday. I'm so excited to start building my life with the love of my life. I'm excited by the future, which never used to be the case.
The hint of alcohol and nicotine keeps us warm inside. So all your fashion sense aware, the sweaters unfold themselves. We are all alone, but we're better off by ourselves. Cause it's time to roll the windows down and feel the cold air all around. We are heading out of town and not a thing can stop us now. Get carried away. Let's think about all the nights on Luckie Street We stayed up till 3 am. With all the gossip and the latest girls


My life feels like a punkpop song sometimes. That makes me happy.

breakfast at tiffany's

i read it again today. sometimes i feel like holly, confused and trying so hard to make it... or just having big dreams.
you know what? i'm sick of everything. i seem to be constantly being punished for something.

i want out.

you know what?

I'm sick of your shit.
Have a little self respect, maybe a little dignity.
It's not grown up and it's not cool.

felling uninspired

i feel fat and pale and disgusting. not feeling creative at all.
*pout*

it's a metaphor, fool

As time goes by it becomes increasingly clear that I will never learn where to properly place my trust in people. Is it a coincidence that I finally got better while they were not around? I don't think so. I think without their lying, backstabbing characters I finally could breathe freely. Now I'm suffocating again. Or are they smothering me with their deceit? I feel much healthier without them and their trivial natures surrounding me. I prefer the company of people who don’t make me feel worthless. It hurts me to cut myself off from them, but deep down I know it’s necessary to my happiness. I know it’s only a matter of time before I don’t live up to their ridiculous standards of behaviour (which they don’t even hold themselves too) and I’m made to feel worse than I do right now. I prefer the people who know my personality and don’t object to the temperamental side. I may not always be the nicest or easy-going person, but I’m only human and so are they. Humans are not perfect, ever. However I would never hurt someone on purpose or be deliberately obnoxious or plan to screw up. And it’s their choice if they choose to be friendly which such people but I don’t appreciate being lied to in any situation. Everyone, no matter how unsavoury they may be, deserves the truth.

/rant

lock down denial

Change in sights
I ain't gonna sleep tonight
This is no way for a man to live his life
Paranoid on the prisonyard pavement
For the first time

So I served time for my addiction
I pay the price for my affliction
A judge took my life with his conviction
For the last time

Lights out, lockdown
Don't make a sound
Lights out, lockdown

If I, if I, if I die inside
Would anyone realize?

If I, if I, if I deny that crime
Would I, would I serve the time?
I live a lie.

The face you show the world.

that was not something i needed right now
you choke on the words that get caught in your throat

hate
love
and a pink enamel bracelet

depressed

Everythings cloudy again. Its been that way for a while. No one noticed. I'm terrified.

Fat.

I've lost 2kgs in the past 2 days. I can lie to myself and say it's enough. Deep down I know it's not. My goal is fitting into my favourite jeans again. I hope to do this before our trip to Qld, and then I can buy a new bikini and actually look nice. Not have a tummy and fat knees. I found a stretch mark on my left knee. I actually cried. I wish I could look like her ^ but i think that's a just a dream. I don't know why it matters so much, I guess it started to matter when none of my jeans fitted and I stopped feeling attractive. I have extra baggage, I know I do. It hurts :(

oh baby please don't cry...

'Listen. You know those days when you get the mean reds?'
'Same as the blues?'
'No,' she said slowly. 'No, the blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long. You're sad, that's all. But the mean reds are horrible. You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of. Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is. You've had that feeling?'
- Breakfast at Tiffany's, Truman Capote

all you are to me is dead skin

Here I am, meant to be writing a 2000 worder on WW1's influence on art, with two sentences and a need to write a blog. Maybe not so much a need but a tool of procrastination. I look at history books full of artists who questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned and questioned...
I sometimes question, though never enough. Could it ever be enough? I think Cezanne or Duchamp would say nothing could ever be enough. It's impossible to grapple this in only 2000 words. I just want to write that it can't be done. They did so much in their lifetimes. Duchamp has hundreds of books on him. Beyond this his avant-garde art inspired every art movement from Dada until now as far as I'm concerned. I can only dream of being this influential.
I should get back to it...

i want this

Maybe a little insignificant and meaningless, but it means something to me. Without love my entire world would crumble.

things i do a significant amount more than i should

eat
sleep
read texts while i'm sleeping
never reply
shut people out
get angry at ignorance
get angry at injustice
get angry
change my mind
actually care about other human beings

After thoughts,

you can find this and the beautiful image in my header at http://adelevk.com/art/ (she also makes great sims custom content!)

when i was younger i saw
my daddy cry
and curse at the wind
he broke his own heart
and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it
and my momma swore
that she would
never let herself forget
and that was the day that i promised
i'd never sing of love
if it does not exist

I would not write about love if it did not exsist.

It's so easy to be with him. It doesn't hurt at all to love him. Before this past 6 months I thought pain equalled love, I got scared when it did not hurt. Was I a fool or just victim of bad experience?
The others think they can find me and bring about more bruises with hard words. They are so bitter from the realisation I'm happy, healed, without them. They're just the monsters I hide from in his arms.
He's my only exception.

THE ROBOT WITH HUMAN HAIR

i've lost weight
i don't know why it's so important
it just is

i feel so healthy and renewed

my mood seems all over the place
i just want to write about 1000 different things but afraid of who will read it

i'm afraid of judgement again
well fuck it
and fuck them

i want to be stick thin and i'll starve myself to do it if i have to.
i want to be sucessful and i'll step on people to get there.
i want to stand up for my friends and i'll tell you how it fucking works to do it.

i used to be sick, but i'm not anymore. a big fuck you to the people who said i made it up or said i wouldn't make it. fuck you.

don't feel sorry for me. i made it. i'm stronger than you'll ever be. you need to envy me.
so, this is why, we don't talk anymore.

i don't know where my head is at because the people this is for will never know me enough to read this.

everyone talks about physical abuse and how it's wrong. rape and hitting. but what about the mental abuse? what about the mind rape? he's going to be back soon. i don't want him anywhere fucking near me. i'm scared shitless. manipulation has taken it's toll on me enough already. i don't want one mean word outside a bar to cut right through my scars. my insides don't match up with my outsides.

i'm sick of worrying. i hate it.

choke

my lip is bleeding, a cuff is stained, why does blood smell so good? why does it remind me of summer? a grazed knee perhaps or a bare foot on something sharp. it heals.


a motive to kill a stunt man
oh it's only fake darling, they don't really do it
they don't do it for real
they wear protection and harnesses and padding
they don't feel the way you do
are they even living at all?

oh don't envy them darling, they don't know any better
their ignorance is their prison
they walk around and around and stay oblivious
they don't feel the way you do
are they even living at all?

you live with a thousand weights on your shoulders
i try to bare some but it's never enough
it slowly crushes you
the way you feel
they could never understand

they don't feel the way you do
are they ever going to live?

I've got lies to tell your children

I'm sick of people calling me that and thinking it's an insult. It would be if I thought I was better than anyone. I don't, so it's not. It's pretty funny how people on low incomes complain that I have a good lifestyle. I don't care. My parents worked from their low incomes to their high one, and they didn't complain. Maybe you could do the same thing? I certainly plan on working hard to keep my lifestyle. Why would I want to live uncomfortably? I love my life, my friends and my family. Money has nothing to do with it. But unfortunatly in our Capitalist society I must make money to keep a home, a phone and all the extras that make life for me comfortable. It doesn't mean I think I'm superior or anything of the sort. I'm down to earth, I realise the struggles of others, and don't think something as incontinent as money seperates me from hardship. I've seen my fair share and I've lived depression and anxiety. Hard work and persistence get's you through it. Not complaining Joe Blo is upper class, or a snob. Chances are he or his family have worked hard. I appreciate everything I have and take not one cent for granted.



You're a coward and a weakling
Work! Don't complain
Possibly become human
Inside your shell of resentment
Small town blues and
Big time liars
I hate it here. I hate it here.
I will take my loves away
with me
I swear a word I should not say
FUCK
Listen to your stupidity
Your identity flawed beyond
repair
You're a coward and a weakling
With eloquence I disarm you
and with fury you spit nonsenses
You will never be anything more
You don't
WORK
for it
You are a coward and a weakling...

Art, like nature, has its monsters.

Oh Sweetie, popularity and promiscuity won't get you anywhere unless you're intelligent. And you're lacking in the brains department.

It feels like it's like this all the time. The monsters they become behind their keyboards and passwords.

Existence without intelligence is an insult to humanity. Maturity lacks in people it should be prominent within.

I sometimes wonder, don't they have lives? or something better to do?, but it makes no difference to the outcome.

Oh honey, there's no one more pathetic than you, I do believe you are the biggest bore I have ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on.

I know it's cruel, there's no much I can do when you act like this.

before i had nothing to loose
now i have everything
or maybe i could never see through the darkness
i never want to loose what i have now

i'm terrified.

God can be funny

I thought about death this morning in the shower. I don't know why I
didn't tell him. It crushes me inside, just the thought. Its not death
itself, I have become content with the idea of eventually going to a
different place. This place for me means escaping this world and being
at peace. But the sheer thought of being away from him scares me until I
cannot breathe. Just the pressure of his skin against mine makes me long
for this to last. Will death part us or will he be there in my ultimate
escape? Having made my life worth living the thought of being away from
my other half frightens me. I love him with every fibre of my being. Why
didn't I just tell him this?

an opinion is not valid if it's an ignorant one

i feel almost violence inside myself when those around me are hurt. inflicted with unnecessary pain for your petty ends. my protectiveness infuriates me, for i know you can not hurt me directly, but indirectly instead.

it's time to move on. (i'm not talking to myself here)

big hearts are for breaking

It takes times to get it right
takes no time to get it wrong

The world rushed around her but she remained stationed on full alert. She had to stop them getting in, hurting more. She remembered once being soft and warm, now cold and hard she pushed forcefully away from herself. Wondering why cruelty came so easily to them, she struggled forward, dragged down by the weight of their judgements and expectations. Everything seemed tainted by them, stained by their presence, dark and murky to the very core. Lies, like insidious weed, spread outward until everything was covered. The once beautiful, undisturbed garden was dead from the choking of the weeds. Even the sun could not warm the concrete of her skin. Trust was something she would no longer feel, she had learnt.

Change.

I'm not who I used to be, but somehow I feel right. Like I always was this person underneath it all. I feel serene. Like ultimate peace has found me. Perhaps this is he end of a journey? Or the beginning of a reality I've been searching for.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.

10 things you probably won't know about me

1. I have depression and anxiety. It started about two years ago after my post viral chronic fatigue (I'd had glandular fever and something else which led to chronic fatigue which led to an imbalance). A lot of people don't realise that depression and other mental conditions can be caused by physical ones.
2. I've been bullied my whole life. Bullies pretty much stopped me from attending school during year 12. Because of my weakened emotional state I was physically unable to go to school some days. I was so afraid of social interaction I refused to go. There came a point this year where I decided not to let these bullies win, I'm finally standing up for myself.
3. I take anti-depressants. If I don't, I'm a wreak. Until I've worked through everything I won't go off them.
4. I support To Write Love On Her Arms for a very personal reason. I'm not weak, I'm not a freak, I didn't do it for attention. I wish more people understood how hard it is and what it's like for millions of people who self-harm.
5. I admit my mistakes to myself and I question everything. Never let someone else tell you what to think or what to do. I am my own person. And no matter what I do what is right by me and the people I love, even if they disagree.
6. I never know what I really want. Ever. That is why I make so many mistakes. I'm growing up and learning just like you are. You have no right to judge me.
7. I'm fairly shy. It surprises a lot of people but it's true. I don't really text or call anyone unless they ask me to. I like to keep to myself and draw or play video games. Life is a lot simpler when I'm alone. That doesn't mean I don't love my friends and family to death, because I do.
8. Despite my shyness, I love to be on stage. I love performing. Acting and singing are things I love and enjoy. I want to one day be in a proper musical in Melbourne.
9. I'm beyond all the drama that people seem to love so much. I'm content to have a few sane friends, my family and just have a life that's not about stabbing people in the back and having a bitch all the time.
10. Telling the truth seems to get me into trouble a lot. Despite what people like to say or think I do tell the truth. I mean I tell white lies sometimes (who doesn't), but when my feelings, or the feelings of someone else are involved, I tell the truth.

good girls go bad

it is hard to express my complete disappointment in people. real friendship is so hard to find. so elusive, that even bad or toxic friendships disguise themselves as real and pure. and in amongst daily troubles and confusion of modern life it is almost impossible to tell the flowers from the weeds. i know as little real friendships as i know fingers on one hand. within myself i feel love and honesty, but am so confused as to why this does not find me friendships that last. am i expected to lie? to hurt myself to please others? i have too much pride for that, as i have too much to reach out. there are few i feel i can go to. and i think it will remain that way until i am finally fully healed within myself. there are so many hurts and scars and pains that have changed my life and who i am. i think of all the people that could have, should have, helped me through it. but i was let down beyond anything i could have imagined. my friendships were not as strong as i had thought. i was crushed even more by my unhealthy physical and mental state, because of my disgust with the people i considered close to me. it took me so long to realise they did not know me at all. now when i need people again i find friendships once again unreal. i know at least a select few who are true, but surprised at those who aren't. once again i despair at a growing lack of morals and support for what is right. i am stronger than i once was, i am slowly healing with help of certain angels, but this hurts as much as it did before. i fear what might have been if i was not stronger. my disappointment remains but i hold myself tight and hope not to fall apart.

my b, i love you with my entire being. your a xoxo

it's human nature to be free
i am an artist. today i have realised this. like all before me i am misunderstood and misinterpreted. i have come into my own. i am strange and frustrating. i admit nothing and everything. i dwell in a place other minds may not always see or understand. like a true artist i create something in everything i see and mistakenly assume others see it too. it may take me a while to learn they do not see the world as i do. but all skills can be perfected, and that is all it is. i am private and shy not unlike similar minds. i am different to the average person and now know why my life has become the way it has. i must embrace my creativity and the people who appreciate it. i understand now why i have always felt to big for this small town full of small minds. my mind is as open as the sky with every part there for the taking. i set forth now into the person i was searching for inside of myself. no one can hold me back anymore.
paint your dreams in reds and blues and greens

i miss things like sleepovers and giggling
the feeling of wondering whether i'd get to see that boy today
and the rush of his simple "hello"
i miss this, before parties, drugs and sex
i miss staying up all night with my best friend
i miss having a best girl friend
one who gets me and everything i am
one who i can go shopping with and we both buy the same cd
one who can tell me if a shirt looks truly ugly
i miss the days of the killers and good charlotte
they seem to be the soundtrack of my happiness
when things were simple i could smile for hours
i long for things i've lost
i miss them as though they were dead
but i know they now belong to someone else
i miss being content in my solidarity
i cannot define the moment i began to want something else
i am and always have been a lone star
i even miss something i have, him...
my one and only, with me to the end
i miss his presence now when i am alone
i fear he too shall belong to someone else soon
and i have to add him to this list
i would miss him more than all combined
i miss feeling sure of everything around me
i miss being afraid of ghosts and monsters
i miss reading the same books over and over
to make the shadows disappear
i miss thinking i would live forever
i miss old wooden floor boards and my old cat
i miss my giant white teddy bear
i miss my grandparents and my winnie
these things don't belong to me anymore
i miss simple times, simple times in my purple dress...

Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Forever The Sickest Kids

When I was young, lying in the grass
I felt so safe in a warming bath
Of sunlight
Of sunlight
Death Cab For Cutie

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
Mayday Parade


Sonetimes other people words hit home. Sometimes they tell us exactly what we feel.
For me they've told me what I'm afraid of.
I love you...

shooting star

I saw a shooting star from the corner of my eye that night. It made me fearful you may be just as fleeting. You are far more beautiful than the star. Some things fit so into place with you it feels as if they had always been that way. Part of me knows everything cannot remain untouched and perfect no matter how hard I hope. Are we but a moment of fleeting goodness? I know our love could never be like that star, I know we can only grow each day to intertwine. Why do I question? Why do I doubt?
The consequences of giving everything are what I fear, because I have given before thinking. Blindly trusting in you and in us. I want to follow my heart over my head in this but I struggle.
Much more damaged, am I, than in simpler times. Lessons learnt the hard way have left their mark, still so pearl white and freshly healed. Only you see the pain underneath those scars. You see through them to who I really am and who I want to be. What I seem is not always the truth.
My fear lingers still, a fear you will cease to understand and see my true self, a fear I will be let go only to hold on. It is completely terrifying to every bit of me to imagine being without you. If you were to fade away, my only constant, I cannot imagine myself or my life.
I fear you becoming my shooting star, brilliant and wonderful, yet gone before I can grasp it.

love

it's so very difficult to imagine
anything other than you
though i've known it
i have not felt it
not like sweet intoxication
a perfection that is you
i want to breathe you in
completely
hold your scent in my nose
savour your taste
nothing else comes close to you
a part i did not know i was missing
a part i lost
what is otherwise so confusing
fits neatly into place in your arms

in autumn, they die

in autumn the colours
are more brilliant
pleasing my eye
over a constant shade
of green
dying things
they sing in red and orange
"i may no longer live
but i am still beautiful
more
than living dull tones"
they dance
on the wind in bright colours
happy to leave home
content to die
float
turn the light golden
brilliant colours
in autumn, they die

exhaustion

I'm so tired
My breath sucked from me
An empty shell
Emotions, a thin worn out cloth
But somehow he makes it worth it
To hold on
A slither of light in a darkend room
The door now ajar
Slowly edging open again
Pushed by his perfect hand
Those hands keep me together
Stop me falling to pieces
Fragile, tired
I am safe here

perhaps i should be ecstatic right now
perhaps i should be over the moon
but somehow i feel so very guilty
and i can't help it
no matter how happy i am he still loves me
no matter how tight he holds me
i know in my heart i don't deserve to be happy
no matter how much i love him
no matter how right it feels close to him
i know i don't deserve him



but i love him...

a candle

I will never understand human nature.
Why we do what we do.
Why we hurt like we do.
Does any of this really matter?
Inside I feel like all that matters is love.
My own actions have denied me this.
I don't think I will ever understand.
I am a train off the tracks,
A candle not quite burning.
I want to take back control, something I lost a while ago.
I let my life get swept away to a place I hate.
This lonliness feels eaternal.
Forgivness seems so far away.
I wish anything was possible.
I wish I could turn back time.
I will never understand this action and consequence, and how it is all my fault.

whisper "I love you" to the moon

And I whisper to the moon
Your moon
"Come back to me"

Push away the clouds
My clouds
And see me once again

Underneath I am like the moon
Your moon
Pure and white, though tainted

Stained by my unintended past
My clouds
Were never expected

A surprise storm
My clouds over the moon
But all storms pass...

all you need is time

Possibly this bubble of hope should not have appeared inside me tonight. But being so honest and so true I have surprised even myself and hopefully brought him closer to healing. My day was not ruined by this talk but merely rounded off by something I needed. I feel the edges of my gaping self-inflicted wound moving in as the beginning of my healing starts. Something I could not have done without telling him what was really going on with me.

Do not give up on love or on the people you love, because dispite mistakes and hurt, they are the ones who are then in the end. That's all that matters, at least to me.

"Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them." -Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot

So vile the kisses on my neck
I want to stop
Stop
What's the reason?
Too foggy to recall
Stop
He's there yelling
Doesn't usually yell
Stop
What was I doing?
I don't want this
Stop... please
Why are you doing this?
Brain can't find a reason
Stop
Make an excuse
Try to forget
You should have stopped
Can't remember why
Can't remember how
STOP
Scream at myself
Until I relise why
Stop
Why are you there?
For fuck sake why?
You know better
He means the world
You are so stupid
Stop now
Laughter, you deserve it
Screaming, you deserve it
Stop
You are a vile creature
Something unknown to me now and before


There should have been no reason to stop because I should not have been there. It should not have started.

Sometimes I think about death. The feeling I get is strange. Its like my body rejects the idea of being dead and screams "I'm alive!". There is a chill all over and it feels as though deep in side me a hole opens up. It is heavy with fear and an unknown I can not comprehend.
It scares me so much and I need at least a minute to recover.
Why do I feel this way always now? This deep hole and fear pushing out of every part of me. I know he's be able to hold me close and make it stop hurting. If I hadn't ruined his love. Life is death without him.
It scares me so much I don't think I will ever recover.

There's no sleep here for the guilty. Undeserving of forgiveness. Weak from a selfinflicted heartbreak. I have lost my only ally, my bestfriend, the person I rely on most to keep me sane. I love him but have hurt him so badly and all I can to do is to want to fix it, but fail to find a way. His pillow where he slept next to me, keeping me safe, still smells of him. However recent these wounds have been made, it feels like forever. Reluctant to change my sheets here I am wrapped around this pillow, searching for him in the folds, trying to feel safe again. I can only think of him. Nothing can distract me. Not even my deepest hated vice. I try to bleed and let is dissolve me away, take me over to the point of no return. But what I really want is to go back to thursday morning. Sweet morning when I knew I could be happy. I had him and adored his quiet love. I want to scream at myself until I understand why I did it. Why I threw this away. I will never forgive myself for hurting the person I love more than life itself. I dream of being back in his arms. Only his.

in the morning

"And true plain hearts do in the faces rest"

Waking in your arms
Infinitly better than not
Trust that a caress
Sweeps away any pain
Fear holds me back
You bring me forward
This scares me even more
A hand to my neck
Lips to my face
I fit into your palm
And you turn me over and over
In the morning
Everything feels right
More than alright
Glorious and cheerful
Overwhelming yet wonderful
Covered in sheets
They smell of you
Holding me tightly
Keeping me warm
What else could it be
But love

decision

it seems somewhere there is a point of decisiveness. maybe we're too scared to find it, or maybe it is just so elusive to us that we are unable to reach it.
i thought I'd found it with him, but nothing stays the same for very long. he has faded to a friend, a part of my heart but not what i thought he would be and stay.
in amongst my stormy inside i see you hiding there. not hiding by choice I'm sure, but merely hidden behind my suppressed fears and emotion.
i long to reach to you and show you how happiness spreads from my core when i see you. how the possibility of being so exposed once again scares me. he didn't do this to me, not like you do. i don't want my shield to be broken, you have the power to do that. fear keeps it there, keeps me from being completely transparent. if you could see right through me what would you think? i dread rejection. degradation further would damage me forever. however selfish i may be i could not stand it.
desire drives me to reach for you, though I'm scared. please catch me. I'm trusting you to love me as i trust myself to love you.

torn between two

my heart seems never to be whole
some to him
some to another
equal
never whole
skies ever clouded
voices quiet in a crowded soul
happiness is another complication