Wednesday, March 31

breaking a resolution

i decided, not that long ago, to be nicer to/about people in general and to try and be more positive. but really, people don't deserve that because quite frankly, they're shit.
i'd like to remind you and your pathetic friends that i
a) don't give a shit what you think
b) don't really talk to you, like, EVER
so with that clear i will not/can not "shut the fuck up for once" because i don't talk/care about you in the first place.
i hope that clears a few things up for everyone (:

oh and p.s. refrain from sharing your opinions, ever, because no one actually cares about people who will spend the rest of their lives living in a place like sale.

Saturday, March 27

The World is on Your Shoulders

This is a mistake. His lips pressed against hers. She giggled because it tickled. Her insides felt confused and her hands felt tingly. His hands slid down her sides and rested on her hips. He pulled her closer. She could hear her friends talking loudly in the next room. Why aren't we in there? They were drinking and lighting up. The boy whose hips were pressed against hers gave a dopey smile. He mumbled something incoherent and laughed. Everything was fuzzy, from the alcohol, from the weed. She had never done any drugs before and it felt weird, different to just drinking. Part of her knew this was wrong, his hands all over her, mixed up in her hair, but it was so lovely. I want to be wanted. He lay her down on the bed, slipping his hands up her dress, their bodies meshed together. They moved collectively and against each other at the same time. After all this time, fantasy and that tiny naive flame of hope, she finally had the pure bliss she longed for. Oh Steven
“What the FUCK?” came a voice from the doorway. There was a flurry of clothes and arms and legs and yelling. But one of the figures in the door didn’t move a muscle.
“Mia…” her own voice said from far away, “Let me explain.” She reached forward towards her friend. People were yelling around her, but Mia just turned silently and walked away. Where were her dress and underwear? She needed them, she needed to tell her friend she was sorry, her best friend. But before she could make it past the door someone stepped in front of her.
“Seriously, Lily, are you even listening? What the fuck? Why are you acting like such a slut? How could you even do this to Amelia? Hello?”
“Get out of my way Karen. I’m wasted and stoned and I really don’t want to talk about it.” She moved to get past her.
“What is there to talk about? We all fucking saw you. Mia wants nothing to do with you anymore, I can tell you that right now.”
“I think that’s up to Amelia.” Steven cut in. Everyone who was crammed into the small bedroom, six or seven people maybe, had their eyes on him. He was fully dressed in what felt like seconds and hours all at the same time. Her heart fell to her stomach when he saw the shame on his face. This is just a drunken mistake to him. “C’mon Lil we better find her.” He pushed her out the door, through the house and out onto the street. Her mouth felt dry and her palms were sweating. She dug in her bag for a cigarette and shakily lit it. “We need to find her. We need, we need…” He looked up and down the street, “Shit.” He took out his phone and quickly tapped in a message. Paced along the foot path and then tapped on his phone some more. She sat awkwardly down against the fence and got out her phone and another cigarette. In silence they tried to reach her with texts and phone calls. Finally, as she felt her insides would burst out of her, she mustered up strength to say,
“Maybe she went home?”
“I’ll call.”

Then, silence. Nothing but the tapping of his fingers against the plastic keys of his worn out brick of a phone. She and Amelia had always teased him about it. But she supposed that would change now.
“I have to get out of here.” She said firmly and standing up. “I’ll go check the party on Chapel Street, or whatever. See if she’s there.” She took a few steps and said, “Bye.”
“Lil… I,” He lightly touched her arm and she felt the hairs all over her body stand on end, “Um… I don’t, uh… well…” he shook his head, “never mind. Text me if you find her k?” She nodded, unable to swallow the lump that forced its way up her throat. She walked stoically away, breathing in deeply. She rounded a few corners and drew nearer to a distant sound of bass and people. The party was bigger than she had expected, hundreds of people spilled out around the large house and into the huge backyard. There was deafening music and people rubbing against each other in time to the beat. The air smelt strongly of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana. 1 new message. Leave me alone bitch. Shit. She moved back out across the street from the party and scrolled down to Stevens’s number in her phonebook and pressed call.
“Did you find her?” Came his anxious voice, he’d been crying she could tell. The only time she had ever seen him cry was when he was twelve years old and his beloved childhood dog died. Snoopy or Pookie or something.
“No but she texted me to leave her alone.” Her voice sounded far away again. “Maybe we should just let her cool off, just for tonight?” There was a long pause, a sniff and more a pause.
“Uh, I guess.” He sounded unsure.
“Well I’m going home because I’m starving and my head is killing me.”
“Okay… I might keep trying her anyway…” She knew she should be worried about Amelia and guilty about what happened. But she could not help but feel so hurt and angry. Why would he kiss her and touch her like that and then be so concerned about another girl? That ‘other girl’ is your best friend, idiot! And you just had sex with her boyfriend AND everyone saw. But she loved Steven, and, really admitting it to herself now, she always had.
“Do what you want Steve, I don’t really care at this point.”
“Lil, I –”
“Regret it, I know. Bye.”
“Wai –” but she didn’t wait, she just snapped her phone shut and shoved it in her pocket. Pulling out a cigarette she rounded the corner and walked quickly towards home. It was quite a way and by the time she reached her porch she had smoked another three cigarettes. No one was home, as usual, so she was free to eat, drink and smoke in private. She threw her bag, phone and shoes through her open bedroom door. It was time to get drunk and eat two cartons of ice-cream.
Her phone chimed on her bedroom floor. I don’t regret you, only hurting Mia. Can I come over? She did really need someone right now. And she supposed he did too.
Ok, see you soon x

Thursday, March 25

Reading Ghost Stories

4 new messages. The music thudded as she stumbled through the mass of bodies. They moved and pressed against each other. It was almost tribal, ritualistic. Her Blackberry clutched in her hand lit up. 5 new messages. She pushed back the hair that, full of sweat, clung to her face and push past a girl being groped. 6 new messages. She pushed ignore. Who cares if they were looking for her, they didn't seem to care too much when... 7 new messages. Where are you? I'm so sorry. Pls reply! She replied: Leave me alone bitch. She reached the make shift bar that was stacked high with bottles and cans. She grabbed a half full bottle of vodka and took a swig. A boy motioned to her from a group. Shots? He mouthed pointing at a shot glass and then at his group. She smiled a coy smile and nodded. 8 new messages. She moved closer to the boy, who flicked his brown hair to the side and grinned at her. She held up two fingers at him and gave him a questioning look, he nodded and visibly chuckled. Her throat burned from the two shots in secession. More vodka, more shots, more flirtatious looks, more loud music, more gyrating hips, 17 new messages. She laughed and deleted them all. The boy held her hair back as she threw up on the ground away from the party.
"I'm sorry," she croaked, wiping her face and sitting up. "What was your name?"
"Logan, it's okay I haven't told you before." he said with a small laugh and a grin. "What's all this about then?"
"What do you mean?" her heart skipped a beat.
"Get this drunk all the time then?" he laughed, "And delete all your texts without reading them?"
"Oh... that..." she paused and pulled out her phone, 9 new messages. "Huh, well, it's a long story. How did you know I wasn't reading them?" He smiled and said,
"Well you asked me to delete them a few times. Oh and they've called at least a dozen times. Someone really wants to find you."
"Well they can't and they won't. I want to go home."
"Hm," he looked at his watch, "I should get home as well, I'll walk you if you'd like?"
"Um, thanks I live on Main Street." They walked away from the people and the music and the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and pot. She stumbled and he held her up, almost carried her all the way home. This stranger, a random kind stranger. It was just what she needed. Her phone buzzed and rang and filled with messages. He said nothing more about the phone and once they reached her house she sat on the gutter and cracked open the back of her phone. With Logan's aid she pried the SIM card out and threw it into the bin on the foot path. Before she could thank him he pulled her to her feet and grabbed her hand.
"Wha...?" she then realised he was writing on her palm.
"If you ever need to talk, or not talk about what's going on." He looked down at her with piercing green eyes, still holding her hand.
"I'm glad I met you." He then grinned, said goodnight and wandered around the corner. She held her breath for a moment then started up the path to the door. She fumbled with her keys but before she could put the key in the lock the door swung open and there was her mother in her pink nightie.
"Oh thank God!" her mother exclaimed as she hugged her tight, "Steven and Lily have both called a dozen times looking for you and you weren't answering your phone!"
"Mum, Steven and I broke up and I'm never talking to Lily again. I was at the party I said I was going to, I didn't hear my phone and a friend walked me home. I'm fine, I just need some sleep."
"Okay..." Her mum said slowly, with a strong hint of motherly concern. She stepped around her mother and moved towards her room.
"I'm fine! Goodnight!" she called without looking back. After kicking off her shoes and slipping out of her dress she heard her parents’ bedroom door close. She sighed and sunk into her bed, wrapping the duvet around her. Tears filled her eyes for the first time that night. Being alone was the worst. Thoughts and emotions bombarded her until she felt an empty shell. If you ever need to talk, or not talk… But she had thrown out her SIM. Shit. Wait, she remembered buying one she hadn't ever used for some reason or another. She slipped out of her cosy bed and rummaged in her desk draw. A ha! She quickly shoved it into the back of her discarded phone and punched in the number on the inside of her hand.
"...'lo?" came a groggy voice on the other end.
"Logan?" her voice shook as she held back tears.
"Yeah... oh you." he cleared his throat, "You okay?"
"No, but," she choked, "I don't know where to start."
"Well perhaps, my dear Amelia, do as the King in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland said." he paused, "'Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'"

cupcake ^_^

(c) Alice Kernaghan ^_^

Friday, March 19

oh wow

don't let the bad things bother you
maybe there are no bad things
does that mean they're on the horizon
does that mean i should worry
or not worry
who knows
life seems perfect
but it can only change
or is that too pessimistic
or is that too like before
move forward move on
but go slow
oh please
oh wow

“I'm thinking of leaving school, growing a beard, and joining the circus.”

Saturday, March 6

just say that we agree and then never change
i love my life. i love my friends.
sometimes i miss you
but then i remember what you did to me
but then i remember what i learnt from it all
but then i remember i said screw you, screw you, screw you
and then i remember i don't really miss you at all

have faith in me