Freedom or Lonliness?

He leaned sideways on his skateboard and yawned slightly. Today he was meeting someone. Early.
"Steve! Oh my God!" came a voice for the other side of the park. "I can't believe you're back!" The blur of a girl ran into his arms. He stumbled a little but righted himself just a quickly. Behind his excited friend stood a petite girl with a pretty face. She smiled and his stomach did a huge flip.

That was the first time he ever saw her. He was 16 and did not really care about anything but skating. But he remembered it like it was yesterday. He fell into it so quickly it seemed so easy, but with Lily it seemed to just keep building and building. Now he was screwed. "Fuck." He said to himself. He shoved his hands into his pockets, rummaging for a cigarette, a joint or anything. He didn't know which he found, he just lit it and skated down his road.

"Oh my god I almost forgot! This is Amelia. She moved here just after you left and she's so great! I think I would have gone insane if we hadn't of met and oh my god I missed you!" Lily and her words blurred together in a haze of movement and noise. Mia stood silent, blushing, fidgeting awkwardly and looking so fucking cute.

The skateboard wheels went currclunk currclunk over the gaps in the pavement. The morning air was moist, a prelude to the languid summer day that lay ahead. He rolled along. Lost in his thoughts, he automatically came to a stop outside Amelia's house.
"What are you doing here?" His heart squished against his throat. It was just Lily. Just? No it was Lily. He was definitely screwed.

"Um, so where's Mia today?" he asked shyly. Lily frowned and said slowly,
"She had to go visit her cousins in the city. Some family lunch." She paused, "Why? OH EM GEE! Do you like her? That would be super cute." Her voice got gradually higher in pitch and Steve felt himself cringe.
"Uh maybe. I dunno. Whatever." he laughed awkwardly and adjusted his cap.
"Well I happened to know that she fancies you! Along with every other girl at school."
"'Cept you?" She smiled a knowing smile at this and said,
"'Cept me!" then ruffled his hair.

"I told you already! It was force of habit. I was coming to see you. I just... I just have a lot on my mind right now." He reached and held her face in his hands. How had he never seen how shapely her cheek bones were? How had he not have noticed the slight upturn in the left corner of her mouth? She was beautiful even with big black streaks down her face.
"I know, I just... I feel so awful... She... I miss her..." The words stumbled out of her in an out-of-character quiet tone. "I went to... I wanted to tell her... I don't even know..."
"How about we ask her to meet us? It's been a few weeks, I mean she has to want an explanation... right?"

There she was, waiting on her front step. She was wearing a cute floral dress and her golden brown hair hung around her shoulders. She smiled and walked to meet him as he drew nearer. They got pizza and watched movies in her big lounge room. He felt his whole body vibrate with happiness. She was perfectly quiet and full of an unobtrusive kind of life.

A car pulled up across the road from where Lily and Steve sat in the park. Amelia got out and marched across to them with an unimpressed look on her face.
"Ten minutes and then you leave me the fuck alone. OK?" Steve could never remember her acting like this. She was always sweet and kind and full of one big smile... "Well? I don't have all day for people who screw me over so if you're both just going to sit there looking li-"
"OK, Mia." He said with force, just noticing that Lily was staring guiltily at her feet. "We just need to tell you we know we handled everything so wrong. But don't want to loose you as a friend becau-"
"Because I was the last one to find out you were fucking?" She cut in. Lily burst into tears.
"It wasn't like that." She said between sobs. "I- I- I would never have kept it from you. Y- Y- You knew I liked him when you started going out. I- I- I-"
"So you go about stealing my boyfriend? He liked me remember? And you said it was OK."
"It w- w- was. I thought I'd g- g- get over it." She sniffed loudly. "I'm so sorry Mia."
"And you?" Amelia turned to Steve. He could feel Lily's eyes on him too.
"I, um... I'm sorry." He faltered and began to sweat. "I love you Mia, but I also love Lily... I-"
"Think you can have both of us and no one would notice?" Amelia never used to talk to him like that.
"Wait, you forgive Lil but not me?"
"Lil is not being selfish. She is genuinely sorry. I can see you trying to worm your way out of this mess. It's going to take a lot more than that pathetic speech and if Lily wants to believe it she can."
"Mia..." Lily began, "Can we just try to be friends again?" Amelia's face crumpled under the weight of these expectations.
"We'll see." her voice was softer, "Just know, I understand but it still hurts." Suddenly harsher again, "And I expect the truth from you Steve. Eventually."

tumblr.

tumblr.

he ate my heart

I used to be the biggest mess in the world. I feel like I'm slowly but surely cleaning myself up. But people keep fucking spilling things all over me.


I can tell that you are restless
that look in your eye
you never look directly
into someone else
sometimes I think it is just a game
one you found in a cigarette
just in case they
really search
the ones like you
seeing them before and again
it is not as solid as you think
the illusion or allusion
but just in case...

.

if i fall, if i fall,
if i fall, will you catch me?

everything is shit

and it hurts like it did before
being ok for months
then all of a sudden
drowning and choking in yourself
oh well they say
she will be fine
no not really
and it hurts even more than before
to be honest it should
to be honest no one cares
only caring
never cared for
maybe you should apologise
maybe someone should ask
maybe
or not
who cares
whatever

breaking a resolution

i decided, not that long ago, to be nicer to/about people in general and to try and be more positive. but really, people don't deserve that because quite frankly, they're shit.
i'd like to remind you and your pathetic friends that i
a) don't give a shit what you think
and
b) don't really talk to you, like, EVER
so with that clear i will not/can not "shut the fuck up for once" because i don't talk/care about you in the first place.
i hope that clears a few things up for everyone (:

oh and p.s. refrain from sharing your opinions, ever, because no one actually cares about people who will spend the rest of their lives living in a place like sale.

The World is on Your Shoulders

This is a mistake. His lips pressed against hers. She giggled because it tickled. Her insides felt confused and her hands felt tingly. His hands slid down her sides and rested on her hips. He pulled her closer. She could hear her friends talking loudly in the next room. Why aren't we in there? They were drinking and lighting up. The boy whose hips were pressed against hers gave a dopey smile. He mumbled something incoherent and laughed. Everything was fuzzy, from the alcohol, from the weed. She had never done any drugs before and it felt weird, different to just drinking. Part of her knew this was wrong, his hands all over her, mixed up in her hair, but it was so lovely. I want to be wanted. He lay her down on the bed, slipping his hands up her dress, their bodies meshed together. They moved collectively and against each other at the same time. After all this time, fantasy and that tiny naive flame of hope, she finally had the pure bliss she longed for. Oh Steven…
“What the FUCK?” came a voice from the doorway. There was a flurry of clothes and arms and legs and yelling. But one of the figures in the door didn’t move a muscle.
“Mia…” her own voice said from far away, “Let me explain.” She reached forward towards her friend. People were yelling around her, but Mia just turned silently and walked away. Where were her dress and underwear? She needed them, she needed to tell her friend she was sorry, her best friend. But before she could make it past the door someone stepped in front of her.
“Seriously, Lily, are you even listening? What the fuck? Why are you acting like such a slut? How could you even do this to Amelia? Hello?”
“Get out of my way Karen. I’m wasted and stoned and I really don’t want to talk about it.” She moved to get past her.
“What is there to talk about? We all fucking saw you. Mia wants nothing to do with you anymore, I can tell you that right now.”
“I think that’s up to Amelia.” Steven cut in. Everyone who was crammed into the small bedroom, six or seven people maybe, had their eyes on him. He was fully dressed in what felt like seconds and hours all at the same time. Her heart fell to her stomach when he saw the shame on his face. This is just a drunken mistake to him. “C’mon Lil we better find her.” He pushed her out the door, through the house and out onto the street. Her mouth felt dry and her palms were sweating. She dug in her bag for a cigarette and shakily lit it. “We need to find her. We need, we need…” He looked up and down the street, “Shit.” He took out his phone and quickly tapped in a message. Paced along the foot path and then tapped on his phone some more. She sat awkwardly down against the fence and got out her phone and another cigarette. In silence they tried to reach her with texts and phone calls. Finally, as she felt her insides would burst out of her, she mustered up strength to say,
“Maybe she went home?”
“I’ll call.”

Then, silence. Nothing but the tapping of his fingers against the plastic keys of his worn out brick of a phone. She and Amelia had always teased him about it. But she supposed that would change now.
“I have to get out of here.” She said firmly and standing up. “I’ll go check the party on Chapel Street, or whatever. See if she’s there.” She took a few steps and said, “Bye.”
“Lil… I,” He lightly touched her arm and she felt the hairs all over her body stand on end, “Um… I don’t, uh… well…” he shook his head, “never mind. Text me if you find her k?” She nodded, unable to swallow the lump that forced its way up her throat. She walked stoically away, breathing in deeply. She rounded a few corners and drew nearer to a distant sound of bass and people. The party was bigger than she had expected, hundreds of people spilled out around the large house and into the huge backyard. There was deafening music and people rubbing against each other in time to the beat. The air smelt strongly of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana. 1 new message. Leave me alone bitch. Shit. She moved back out across the street from the party and scrolled down to Stevens’s number in her phonebook and pressed call.
“Did you find her?” Came his anxious voice, he’d been crying she could tell. The only time she had ever seen him cry was when he was twelve years old and his beloved childhood dog died. Snoopy or Pookie or something.
“No but she texted me to leave her alone.” Her voice sounded far away again. “Maybe we should just let her cool off, just for tonight?” There was a long pause, a sniff and more a pause.
“Uh, I guess.” He sounded unsure.
“Well I’m going home because I’m starving and my head is killing me.”
“Okay… I might keep trying her anyway…” She knew she should be worried about Amelia and guilty about what happened. But she could not help but feel so hurt and angry. Why would he kiss her and touch her like that and then be so concerned about another girl? That ‘other girl’ is your best friend, idiot! And you just had sex with her boyfriend AND everyone saw. But she loved Steven, and, really admitting it to herself now, she always had.
“Do what you want Steve, I don’t really care at this point.”
“Lil, I –”
“Regret it, I know. Bye.”
“Wai –” but she didn’t wait, she just snapped her phone shut and shoved it in her pocket. Pulling out a cigarette she rounded the corner and walked quickly towards home. It was quite a way and by the time she reached her porch she had smoked another three cigarettes. No one was home, as usual, so she was free to eat, drink and smoke in private. She threw her bag, phone and shoes through her open bedroom door. It was time to get drunk and eat two cartons of ice-cream.
Her phone chimed on her bedroom floor. I don’t regret you, only hurting Mia. Can I come over? She did really need someone right now. And she supposed he did too.
Ok, see you soon x