i feel almost violence inside myself when those around me are hurt. inflicted with unnecessary pain for your petty ends. my protectiveness infuriates me, for i know you can not hurt me directly, but indirectly instead.
it's time to move on. (i'm not talking to myself here)
Monday, June 22
It takes times to get it right
takes no time to get it wrong
The world rushed around her but she remained stationed on full alert. She had to stop them getting in, hurting more. She remembered once being soft and warm, now cold and hard she pushed forcefully away from herself. Wondering why cruelty came so easily to them, she struggled forward, dragged down by the weight of their judgements and expectations. Everything seemed tainted by them, stained by their presence, dark and murky to the very core. Lies, like insidious weed, spread outward until everything was covered. The once beautiful, undisturbed garden was dead from the choking of the weeds. Even the sun could not warm the concrete of her skin. Trust was something she would no longer feel, she had learnt.
posted at 1:21 PM
Wednesday, June 17
I'm not who I used to be, but somehow I feel right. Like I always was this person underneath it all. I feel serene. Like ultimate peace has found me. Perhaps this is he end of a journey? Or the beginning of a reality I've been searching for.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.
posted at 1:54 AM
Tuesday, June 2
1. I have depression and anxiety. It started about two years ago after my post viral chronic fatigue (I'd had glandular fever and something else which led to chronic fatigue which led to an imbalance). A lot of people don't realise that depression and other mental conditions can be caused by physical ones.
2. I've been bullied my whole life. Bullies pretty much stopped me from attending school during year 12. Because of my weakened emotional state I was physically unable to go to school some days. I was so afraid of social interaction I refused to go. There came a point this year where I decided not to let these bullies win, I'm finally standing up for myself.
3. I take anti-depressants. If I don't, I'm a wreak. Until I've worked through everything I won't go off them.
4. I support To Write Love On Her Arms for a very personal reason. I'm not weak, I'm not a freak, I didn't do it for attention. I wish more people understood how hard it is and what it's like for millions of people who self-harm.
5. I admit my mistakes to myself and I question everything. Never let someone else tell you what to think or what to do. I am my own person. And no matter what I do what is right by me and the people I love, even if they disagree.
6. I never know what I really want. Ever. That is why I make so many mistakes. I'm growing up and learning just like you are. You have no right to judge me.
7. I'm fairly shy. It surprises a lot of people but it's true. I don't really text or call anyone unless they ask me to. I like to keep to myself and draw or play video games. Life is a lot simpler when I'm alone. That doesn't mean I don't love my friends and family to death, because I do.
8. Despite my shyness, I love to be on stage. I love performing. Acting and singing are things I love and enjoy. I want to one day be in a proper musical in Melbourne.
9. I'm beyond all the drama that people seem to love so much. I'm content to have a few sane friends, my family and just have a life that's not about stabbing people in the back and having a bitch all the time.
10. Telling the truth seems to get me into trouble a lot. Despite what people like to say or think I do tell the truth. I mean I tell white lies sometimes (who doesn't), but when my feelings, or the feelings of someone else are involved, I tell the truth.
posted at 5:03 PM