Friday, May 29

good girls go bad

it is hard to express my complete disappointment in people. real friendship is so hard to find. so elusive, that even bad or toxic friendships disguise themselves as real and pure. and in amongst daily troubles and confusion of modern life it is almost impossible to tell the flowers from the weeds. i know as little real friendships as i know fingers on one hand. within myself i feel love and honesty, but am so confused as to why this does not find me friendships that last. am i expected to lie? to hurt myself to please others? i have too much pride for that, as i have too much to reach out. there are few i feel i can go to. and i think it will remain that way until i am finally fully healed within myself. there are so many hurts and scars and pains that have changed my life and who i am. i think of all the people that could have, should have, helped me through it. but i was let down beyond anything i could have imagined. my friendships were not as strong as i had thought. i was crushed even more by my unhealthy physical and mental state, because of my disgust with the people i considered close to me. it took me so long to realise they did not know me at all. now when i need people again i find friendships once again unreal. i know at least a select few who are true, but surprised at those who aren't. once again i despair at a growing lack of morals and support for what is right. i am stronger than i once was, i am slowly healing with help of certain angels, but this hurts as much as it did before. i fear what might have been if i was not stronger. my disappointment remains but i hold myself tight and hope not to fall apart.

Wednesday, May 13

my b, i love you with my entire being. your a xoxo

it's human nature to be free
i am an artist. today i have realised this. like all before me i am misunderstood and misinterpreted. i have come into my own. i am strange and frustrating. i admit nothing and everything. i dwell in a place other minds may not always see or understand. like a true artist i create something in everything i see and mistakenly assume others see it too. it may take me a while to learn they do not see the world as i do. but all skills can be perfected, and that is all it is. i am private and shy not unlike similar minds. i am different to the average person and now know why my life has become the way it has. i must embrace my creativity and the people who appreciate it. i understand now why i have always felt to big for this small town full of small minds. my mind is as open as the sky with every part there for the taking. i set forth now into the person i was searching for inside of myself. no one can hold me back anymore.
paint your dreams in reds and blues and greens

Tuesday, May 12

i miss things like sleepovers and giggling
the feeling of wondering whether i'd get to see that boy today
and the rush of his simple "hello"
i miss this, before parties, drugs and sex
i miss staying up all night with my best friend
i miss having a best girl friend
one who gets me and everything i am
one who i can go shopping with and we both buy the same cd
one who can tell me if a shirt looks truly ugly
i miss the days of the killers and good charlotte
they seem to be the soundtrack of my happiness
when things were simple i could smile for hours
i long for things i've lost
i miss them as though they were dead
but i know they now belong to someone else
i miss being content in my solidarity
i cannot define the moment i began to want something else
i am and always have been a lone star
i even miss something i have, him...
my one and only, with me to the end
i miss his presence now when i am alone
i fear he too shall belong to someone else soon
and i have to add him to this list
i would miss him more than all combined
i miss feeling sure of everything around me
i miss being afraid of ghosts and monsters
i miss reading the same books over and over
to make the shadows disappear
i miss thinking i would live forever
i miss old wooden floor boards and my old cat
i miss my giant white teddy bear
i miss my grandparents and my winnie
these things don't belong to me anymore
i miss simple times, simple times in my purple dress...

Friday, May 8

Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Forever The Sickest Kids

When I was young, lying in the grass
I felt so safe in a warming bath
Of sunlight
Of sunlight
Death Cab For Cutie

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
Mayday Parade

Sonetimes other people words hit home. Sometimes they tell us exactly what we feel.
For me they've told me what I'm afraid of.
I love you...

Sunday, May 3

shooting star

I saw a shooting star from the corner of my eye that night. It made me fearful you may be just as fleeting. You are far more beautiful than the star. Some things fit so into place with you it feels as if they had always been that way. Part of me knows everything cannot remain untouched and perfect no matter how hard I hope. Are we but a moment of fleeting goodness? I know our love could never be like that star, I know we can only grow each day to intertwine. Why do I question? Why do I doubt?
The consequences of giving everything are what I fear, because I have given before thinking. Blindly trusting in you and in us. I want to follow my heart over my head in this but I struggle.
Much more damaged, am I, than in simpler times. Lessons learnt the hard way have left their mark, still so pearl white and freshly healed. Only you see the pain underneath those scars. You see through them to who I really am and who I want to be. What I seem is not always the truth.
My fear lingers still, a fear you will cease to understand and see my true self, a fear I will be let go only to hold on. It is completely terrifying to every bit of me to imagine being without you. If you were to fade away, my only constant, I cannot imagine myself or my life.
I fear you becoming my shooting star, brilliant and wonderful, yet gone before I can grasp it.