divagate

I'm at my breaking point.


you're the spider inches from my face
ready to pounce
ready to bite
ready to harm, to cut, to rape
you steal my feeling in the form of words
because your pain
it taught you no better
I own my own contrition
you own your imitation
a stream of unforgiving
insecurity
and your world is far from mine
but you covet another
its over but I cling to it
the thought of a difference
to divagate

i float through deep vermillion
sometims thin like air
but still so thuick it swallows
not just me, it swallows you
running is hard on sand
i stumble and fall

it's unfair
that memory
our breathing, mingled
and hot
gone and leaving
nothing

I am cradled in emptiness
A case of bones
Vast and gaping

A light shines
Underneath a doorway

Out of reach is
The next word

Staged contrition
A role play of real life
Wishing for the before
Holding breath for the after

Waiting
is a game
I don't know the rules
It's a sport
with no players
A ship with no crew

How can you be so heartless?
Apathy
is your ugly face
Your only face

It might not make sense
A cruel heart may never
Understand
Or see the living
Amongst the dead

There's a fire in my bones
And a screeching
Resounding off my soul
Ashen and ruined
Are my hands

It's not forever
They say in the distance
But it is lost
Within the cavity

A chair of bones
And ash
And light
And wine red fear

we are not afraid

when life feels like a series of darkened rooms
I turn to you, my otherworld
in my dreams I embrace them
like they never left my shattered arms
I wake and forget the way I felt
and the way I feel
I long for sweet floatations
through quiet grass stalks and blackened eyes
within I am all but truth
without the world is heavy
and to breathe is hard
in my dreams they embrace me
remembering who I was
who I am beneath the glass of my skin
while lost in raven hallways
I forget the whirl of conciousness
and can finally be

i am athena, born from the head of my father
i am wisdom, born from consumption of my mother

yes please.

there is a train track
a river underneath
it fills up to our knees
then grips tighten
say goodnight

I AM SICK OF BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES FUCK UPS
NEXT TIME YOU CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT YOURSELF
I WON'T BE AROUND TO TAKE THE FALL

GO TO HELL.

to be honest none of this worries me
because i know you love me
and you'll come back to me

bats

there are bats in your trees
a rustle in your leaves
cigarette burns are nothing
compared to this

the squeak of your lies
not a very big surprise
never expect too much again
i tell myself

there are bats in your trees
a weakness in your knees
like a magnet upside down
driving me away

the squeak of your lies
the darkness of your eyes
it tries to swallow me whole
i break free

i do not feel the way you think i do

maybe one day, after everyone has walked away
you will realise you have to be a little more understanding

people are unpredictable
life is uncontrolable
be mad all you like because i will not waste my life fighting
when i can spend it loving and healing

i did not want to be alone anymore
and finally i'm surrounded by others
and finally i'm happy

do the same for yourself
or at least be happy for me

dear blog,

i've typed three different sentences and deleted them all.

i can't be honest with you anymore blog. how you judge me so. everything seems so confusing and yet i haven't felt this good in a while. perhaps i like the chaos of it all. the uncertainty is wonderful in fact. my inner golightly is taking hold i'm afraid. i am more and more often throwing caution to the wind. i suppose i have been honest now and i hope we can repair our friendship. oh blog, i'm ever so lost. though, i've never had so much fun in my life.

my heart died tonight.

I could have sworn we disappeared tonight.

Her whole body ached. It had been a week, but it felt like years. It was somewhere around noon but she rolled back over and buried her face between her sheets and pillows. Her phone buzzed from somewhere in the bed. Only one person had the number. She scrambled around until she found it the hastily pulled up the message. Rise and shine :) look outside x. As she moved to her window she pulled her long hair away from her face. There he was, standing at the garden gate. His body was lean and his smile was gorgeous. She waved and motioned him to come inside. No one would be home and after her family heard what happened from Karen they had left her mostly alone anyway. Her jeans felt loose as she pulled them on, she was reminded she hadn’t eaten in a few days. Not that it made any difference, she was not hungry. Her bedroom door opened.
“What should we do today?” Logan said with a strong hint of encouragement. “Perhaps shower or leave the house?”
“Uh…” He knew that she would rather not. “What if I see them… what if they’re out there together… like nothing happened… like –“
“Dude, we can drive around, get out of town.” He reached for her face and lightly touched her chin and her neck. “Maybe even get you to eat.” Her whole body tingled. He was like an angel. Talking to her almost all day, every day since it happened. She had only spilled her soul about them last night, and here he was.
“Wh- why are you doing this?” She pulled away and moved back to sit on her bed. “It’s not like you have to, you barely know me.” He shrugged and sat beside her.
“Would you rather I left you alone?” He looked her in the eye and she shook her head. “Then, come on! Let’s go!”

Things hurt less when he was around. She could not explain it but sitting in the front passenger seat of his beat-up car she felt like she could breathe again. She did not ask where they were going; she guessed that was not really the point.
“Can I have one?” she asked as he put a cigarette to his lips.
“Sure. I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t.” It was disgusting but it calmed her nerves. She knew why Lily liked it so much.

Logan bought a stack of greasy fries and a large thickshake just for her. She sighed and ate a few fries. She suddenly felt ravenous and downed them all. He laughed at her and changed the CD with one hand. For the first time in a week she forgot everything and actually smiled.

They drove for over an hour, out of town, through the bush and towards the coast. The beach town, with its temporary looking houses and worn roads, was busy but relaxed. Logan pulled the car into a sandy car park and hopped out.
“So, what do we do now?” asked Amelia as she closed the passenger door.

They sat on the bonnet of the car in the afternoon sun and enjoyed the quiet air of the ocean. And he kissed her. And she let him.

i want to be.

i want to be this girl again.
i feel so edgy.
like at any minute i might implode.
i'm so fat and disgusting.
i'm losing everything that i never had.

looking at the photo
of a time before
some woman stole that quilt
and the only pain
was the bee sting
in my little toe
and i remember that musty room
with green seats or carpet
with strange things i didn't know
but loved to look at
and 'alice' flowers on the lawn

I turn my camera on

Life is mysteriously full of new beginnings that not only lift you up and spin you around, but can also has an unexpected turn. I am so fucking happy. I hope it lasts <3

Daisy, give yourself away
Lookup at the rain
The beautiful display
Of power and surrender
Giving us today
And she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day
Comes up from the ocean
Give herself away
She comes down easy
On rich and dead the same
And she gives herself away

Let it go

I was probably the only one that thought people would be more grown up when I no longer lived in Sale. It seems I was a fool.

I can't even see
but the fury in my eyes
so watery
and full of coals, so hot
hotter than the core
of nails and spit

pictures

where do i get my pictures? other blogs :)
here are a few i really love

http://dear-bright-young-love.xanga.com/
http://dancetonightt.xanga.com/
http://happynonsense.xanga.com/

if you want to find great pictures xanga is a good place to start :)

July the 6th 2008

life has changed for me
i feel like i have no control over it at all
people have walked in and out of my life without me moving at all

this is the last day i felt truly included in these girls lives
they barely even talk to me anymore
i thought they were my best friends

this night changed my life
plain and simple
i fear if i hadn't gone to this party...
i would never have met the people i now see as my friends

And all they ever wanted was a chance to say goodbye.

Freedom or Lonliness?

He leaned sideways on his skateboard and yawned slightly. Today he was meeting someone. Early.
"Steve! Oh my God!" came a voice for the other side of the park. "I can't believe you're back!" The blur of a girl ran into his arms. He stumbled a little but righted himself just a quickly. Behind his excited friend stood a petite girl with a pretty face. She smiled and his stomach did a huge flip.

That was the first time he ever saw her. He was 16 and did not really care about anything but skating. But he remembered it like it was yesterday. He fell into it so quickly it seemed so easy, but with Lily it seemed to just keep building and building. Now he was screwed. "Fuck." He said to himself. He shoved his hands into his pockets, rummaging for a cigarette, a joint or anything. He didn't know which he found, he just lit it and skated down his road.

"Oh my god I almost forgot! This is Amelia. She moved here just after you left and she's so great! I think I would have gone insane if we hadn't of met and oh my god I missed you!" Lily and her words blurred together in a haze of movement and noise. Mia stood silent, blushing, fidgeting awkwardly and looking so fucking cute.

The skateboard wheels went currclunk currclunk over the gaps in the pavement. The morning air was moist, a prelude to the languid summer day that lay ahead. He rolled along. Lost in his thoughts, he automatically came to a stop outside Amelia's house.
"What are you doing here?" His heart squished against his throat. It was just Lily. Just? No it was Lily. He was definitely screwed.

"Um, so where's Mia today?" he asked shyly. Lily frowned and said slowly,
"She had to go visit her cousins in the city. Some family lunch." She paused, "Why? OH EM GEE! Do you like her? That would be super cute." Her voice got gradually higher in pitch and Steve felt himself cringe.
"Uh maybe. I dunno. Whatever." he laughed awkwardly and adjusted his cap.
"Well I happened to know that she fancies you! Along with every other girl at school."
"'Cept you?" She smiled a knowing smile at this and said,
"'Cept me!" then ruffled his hair.

"I told you already! It was force of habit. I was coming to see you. I just... I just have a lot on my mind right now." He reached and held her face in his hands. How had he never seen how shapely her cheek bones were? How had he not have noticed the slight upturn in the left corner of her mouth? She was beautiful even with big black streaks down her face.
"I know, I just... I feel so awful... She... I miss her..." The words stumbled out of her in an out-of-character quiet tone. "I went to... I wanted to tell her... I don't even know..."
"How about we ask her to meet us? It's been a few weeks, I mean she has to want an explanation... right?"

There she was, waiting on her front step. She was wearing a cute floral dress and her golden brown hair hung around her shoulders. She smiled and walked to meet him as he drew nearer. They got pizza and watched movies in her big lounge room. He felt his whole body vibrate with happiness. She was perfectly quiet and full of an unobtrusive kind of life.

A car pulled up across the road from where Lily and Steve sat in the park. Amelia got out and marched across to them with an unimpressed look on her face.
"Ten minutes and then you leave me the fuck alone. OK?" Steve could never remember her acting like this. She was always sweet and kind and full of one big smile... "Well? I don't have all day for people who screw me over so if you're both just going to sit there looking li-"
"OK, Mia." He said with force, just noticing that Lily was staring guiltily at her feet. "We just need to tell you we know we handled everything so wrong. But don't want to loose you as a friend becau-"
"Because I was the last one to find out you were fucking?" She cut in. Lily burst into tears.
"It wasn't like that." She said between sobs. "I- I- I would never have kept it from you. Y- Y- You knew I liked him when you started going out. I- I- I-"
"So you go about stealing my boyfriend? He liked me remember? And you said it was OK."
"It w- w- was. I thought I'd g- g- get over it." She sniffed loudly. "I'm so sorry Mia."
"And you?" Amelia turned to Steve. He could feel Lily's eyes on him too.
"I, um... I'm sorry." He faltered and began to sweat. "I love you Mia, but I also love Lily... I-"
"Think you can have both of us and no one would notice?" Amelia never used to talk to him like that.
"Wait, you forgive Lil but not me?"
"Lil is not being selfish. She is genuinely sorry. I can see you trying to worm your way out of this mess. It's going to take a lot more than that pathetic speech and if Lily wants to believe it she can."
"Mia..." Lily began, "Can we just try to be friends again?" Amelia's face crumpled under the weight of these expectations.
"We'll see." her voice was softer, "Just know, I understand but it still hurts." Suddenly harsher again, "And I expect the truth from you Steve. Eventually."

tumblr.

tumblr.

he ate my heart

I used to be the biggest mess in the world. I feel like I'm slowly but surely cleaning myself up. But people keep fucking spilling things all over me.


I can tell that you are restless
that look in your eye
you never look directly
into someone else
sometimes I think it is just a game
one you found in a cigarette
just in case they
really search
the ones like you
seeing them before and again
it is not as solid as you think
the illusion or allusion
but just in case...

.

if i fall, if i fall,
if i fall, will you catch me?

everything is shit

and it hurts like it did before
being ok for months
then all of a sudden
drowning and choking in yourself
oh well they say
she will be fine
no not really
and it hurts even more than before
to be honest it should
to be honest no one cares
only caring
never cared for
maybe you should apologise
maybe someone should ask
maybe
or not
who cares
whatever

breaking a resolution

i decided, not that long ago, to be nicer to/about people in general and to try and be more positive. but really, people don't deserve that because quite frankly, they're shit.
i'd like to remind you and your pathetic friends that i
a) don't give a shit what you think
and
b) don't really talk to you, like, EVER
so with that clear i will not/can not "shut the fuck up for once" because i don't talk/care about you in the first place.
i hope that clears a few things up for everyone (:

oh and p.s. refrain from sharing your opinions, ever, because no one actually cares about people who will spend the rest of their lives living in a place like sale.

The World is on Your Shoulders

This is a mistake. His lips pressed against hers. She giggled because it tickled. Her insides felt confused and her hands felt tingly. His hands slid down her sides and rested on her hips. He pulled her closer. She could hear her friends talking loudly in the next room. Why aren't we in there? They were drinking and lighting up. The boy whose hips were pressed against hers gave a dopey smile. He mumbled something incoherent and laughed. Everything was fuzzy, from the alcohol, from the weed. She had never done any drugs before and it felt weird, different to just drinking. Part of her knew this was wrong, his hands all over her, mixed up in her hair, but it was so lovely. I want to be wanted. He lay her down on the bed, slipping his hands up her dress, their bodies meshed together. They moved collectively and against each other at the same time. After all this time, fantasy and that tiny naive flame of hope, she finally had the pure bliss she longed for. Oh Steven…
“What the FUCK?” came a voice from the doorway. There was a flurry of clothes and arms and legs and yelling. But one of the figures in the door didn’t move a muscle.
“Mia…” her own voice said from far away, “Let me explain.” She reached forward towards her friend. People were yelling around her, but Mia just turned silently and walked away. Where were her dress and underwear? She needed them, she needed to tell her friend she was sorry, her best friend. But before she could make it past the door someone stepped in front of her.
“Seriously, Lily, are you even listening? What the fuck? Why are you acting like such a slut? How could you even do this to Amelia? Hello?”
“Get out of my way Karen. I’m wasted and stoned and I really don’t want to talk about it.” She moved to get past her.
“What is there to talk about? We all fucking saw you. Mia wants nothing to do with you anymore, I can tell you that right now.”
“I think that’s up to Amelia.” Steven cut in. Everyone who was crammed into the small bedroom, six or seven people maybe, had their eyes on him. He was fully dressed in what felt like seconds and hours all at the same time. Her heart fell to her stomach when he saw the shame on his face. This is just a drunken mistake to him. “C’mon Lil we better find her.” He pushed her out the door, through the house and out onto the street. Her mouth felt dry and her palms were sweating. She dug in her bag for a cigarette and shakily lit it. “We need to find her. We need, we need…” He looked up and down the street, “Shit.” He took out his phone and quickly tapped in a message. Paced along the foot path and then tapped on his phone some more. She sat awkwardly down against the fence and got out her phone and another cigarette. In silence they tried to reach her with texts and phone calls. Finally, as she felt her insides would burst out of her, she mustered up strength to say,
“Maybe she went home?”
“I’ll call.”

Then, silence. Nothing but the tapping of his fingers against the plastic keys of his worn out brick of a phone. She and Amelia had always teased him about it. But she supposed that would change now.
“I have to get out of here.” She said firmly and standing up. “I’ll go check the party on Chapel Street, or whatever. See if she’s there.” She took a few steps and said, “Bye.”
“Lil… I,” He lightly touched her arm and she felt the hairs all over her body stand on end, “Um… I don’t, uh… well…” he shook his head, “never mind. Text me if you find her k?” She nodded, unable to swallow the lump that forced its way up her throat. She walked stoically away, breathing in deeply. She rounded a few corners and drew nearer to a distant sound of bass and people. The party was bigger than she had expected, hundreds of people spilled out around the large house and into the huge backyard. There was deafening music and people rubbing against each other in time to the beat. The air smelt strongly of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana. 1 new message. Leave me alone bitch. Shit. She moved back out across the street from the party and scrolled down to Stevens’s number in her phonebook and pressed call.
“Did you find her?” Came his anxious voice, he’d been crying she could tell. The only time she had ever seen him cry was when he was twelve years old and his beloved childhood dog died. Snoopy or Pookie or something.
“No but she texted me to leave her alone.” Her voice sounded far away again. “Maybe we should just let her cool off, just for tonight?” There was a long pause, a sniff and more a pause.
“Uh, I guess.” He sounded unsure.
“Well I’m going home because I’m starving and my head is killing me.”
“Okay… I might keep trying her anyway…” She knew she should be worried about Amelia and guilty about what happened. But she could not help but feel so hurt and angry. Why would he kiss her and touch her like that and then be so concerned about another girl? That ‘other girl’ is your best friend, idiot! And you just had sex with her boyfriend AND everyone saw. But she loved Steven, and, really admitting it to herself now, she always had.
“Do what you want Steve, I don’t really care at this point.”
“Lil, I –”
“Regret it, I know. Bye.”
“Wai –” but she didn’t wait, she just snapped her phone shut and shoved it in her pocket. Pulling out a cigarette she rounded the corner and walked quickly towards home. It was quite a way and by the time she reached her porch she had smoked another three cigarettes. No one was home, as usual, so she was free to eat, drink and smoke in private. She threw her bag, phone and shoes through her open bedroom door. It was time to get drunk and eat two cartons of ice-cream.
Her phone chimed on her bedroom floor. I don’t regret you, only hurting Mia. Can I come over? She did really need someone right now. And she supposed he did too.
Ok, see you soon x

Reading Ghost Stories

4 new messages. The music thudded as she stumbled through the mass of bodies. They moved and pressed against each other. It was almost tribal, ritualistic. Her Blackberry clutched in her hand lit up. 5 new messages. She pushed back the hair that, full of sweat, clung to her face and push past a girl being groped. 6 new messages. She pushed ignore. Who cares if they were looking for her, they didn't seem to care too much when... 7 new messages. Where are you? I'm so sorry. Pls reply! She replied: Leave me alone bitch. She reached the make shift bar that was stacked high with bottles and cans. She grabbed a half full bottle of vodka and took a swig. A boy motioned to her from a group. Shots? He mouthed pointing at a shot glass and then at his group. She smiled a coy smile and nodded. 8 new messages. She moved closer to the boy, who flicked his brown hair to the side and grinned at her. She held up two fingers at him and gave him a questioning look, he nodded and visibly chuckled. Her throat burned from the two shots in secession. More vodka, more shots, more flirtatious looks, more loud music, more gyrating hips, 17 new messages. She laughed and deleted them all. The boy held her hair back as she threw up on the ground away from the party.
"I'm sorry," she croaked, wiping her face and sitting up. "What was your name?"
"Logan, it's okay I haven't told you before." he said with a small laugh and a grin. "What's all this about then?"
"What do you mean?" her heart skipped a beat.
"Get this drunk all the time then?" he laughed, "And delete all your texts without reading them?"
"Oh... that..." she paused and pulled out her phone, 9 new messages. "Huh, well, it's a long story. How did you know I wasn't reading them?" He smiled and said,
"Well you asked me to delete them a few times. Oh and they've called at least a dozen times. Someone really wants to find you."
"Well they can't and they won't. I want to go home."
"Hm," he looked at his watch, "I should get home as well, I'll walk you if you'd like?"
"Um, thanks I live on Main Street." They walked away from the people and the music and the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and pot. She stumbled and he held her up, almost carried her all the way home. This stranger, a random kind stranger. It was just what she needed. Her phone buzzed and rang and filled with messages. He said nothing more about the phone and once they reached her house she sat on the gutter and cracked open the back of her phone. With Logan's aid she pried the SIM card out and threw it into the bin on the foot path. Before she could thank him he pulled her to her feet and grabbed her hand.
"Wha...?" she then realised he was writing on her palm.
"If you ever need to talk, or not talk about what's going on." He looked down at her with piercing green eyes, still holding her hand.
"I'm glad I met you." He then grinned, said goodnight and wandered around the corner. She held her breath for a moment then started up the path to the door. She fumbled with her keys but before she could put the key in the lock the door swung open and there was her mother in her pink nightie.
"Oh thank God!" her mother exclaimed as she hugged her tight, "Steven and Lily have both called a dozen times looking for you and you weren't answering your phone!"
"Mum, Steven and I broke up and I'm never talking to Lily again. I was at the party I said I was going to, I didn't hear my phone and a friend walked me home. I'm fine, I just need some sleep."
"Okay..." Her mum said slowly, with a strong hint of motherly concern. She stepped around her mother and moved towards her room.
"I'm fine! Goodnight!" she called without looking back. After kicking off her shoes and slipping out of her dress she heard her parents’ bedroom door close. She sighed and sunk into her bed, wrapping the duvet around her. Tears filled her eyes for the first time that night. Being alone was the worst. Thoughts and emotions bombarded her until she felt an empty shell. If you ever need to talk, or not talk… But she had thrown out her SIM. Shit. Wait, she remembered buying one she hadn't ever used for some reason or another. She slipped out of her cosy bed and rummaged in her desk draw. A ha! She quickly shoved it into the back of her discarded phone and punched in the number on the inside of her hand.
"...'lo?" came a groggy voice on the other end.
"Logan?" her voice shook as she held back tears.
"Yeah... oh you." he cleared his throat, "You okay?"
"No, but," she choked, "I don't know where to start."
"Well perhaps, my dear Amelia, do as the King in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland said." he paused, "'Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'"

cupcake ^_^

(c) Alice Kernaghan ^_^

oh wow

ilovecassieilovecassieilovecassie
don't let the bad things bother you
maybe there are no bad things
does that mean they're on the horizon
does that mean i should worry
or not worry
or...
who knows
life seems perfect
but it can only change
or is that too pessimistic
or is that too like before
move forward move on
but go slow
oh please
oh wow

“I'm thinking of leaving school, growing a beard, and joining the circus.”

just say that we agree and then never change
i love my life. i love my friends.
sometimes i miss you
but then i remember what you did to me
but then i remember what i learnt from it all
but then i remember i said screw you, screw you, screw you
and then i remember i don't really miss you at all

have faith in me

this sucks,

no one ever comments
i started uni on monday
it's awesome
i miss my loverrr
i miss my cat
i wish i was thinerrrrrr
i'm eating less and walking more
i feel fatter...

someone please comment
or keep me company
or something...

It grips you
In the dead of night
Again with
Cliches
No room for fear
But like water
In stormy weather it
Seeps
In
No! You cry in horror
A terror erupts
Deep in the
Dark
Wicked faces and twisted
Claws
Like shadows following
You home
A bump in the night
Of the night
To the night
Soon dawns birds will
Sing the world
Into waking
And slowly
You drift to
Peace

drinkdrinkdrink

i'm not particularly fond of alcohol, or weed and ciggarettes, i'd rather drink tea and read a book.

give me love give me love give me love

hold your breath

the sea is stretched
blue creased leather
the water is warm like
the air
the skin
the hair

i remember the smell
the bruises
from the stares
or the stairs
which came first?
a thumping somewhere
someone blows smoke

so sweet and so cold
disappear into the heat
there is something fake about
the buildings
the people
the weather

it's a cliche like
the sweet smell of home
or the longing for familiar
or a feeling you can't describe
speak quietly and
get the sand out
of your clothes
turn into an autumn leaf

it was so lovely
i felt i might fade away
inside the golden of it all
maybe i did
either way something has
changed

Dear Reader,
This is my first poem in a while and of 2010. This year will be amazing, I can feel it. I'm moving to the city (which means getting out of this one horse town) and going to University (which means preparing for my sucessful career). All this I'm doing with the love of my life. It seems like everything is perfect. Although today was very stressful I'm so excited. I'm beginning to forget about everything shit from the past two years and see my family happy, my new/improved friends closer and my life fall into place. I'm thankful I didn't give up, thankful to everyone who helped me (even if they don't know it) and even thankful to the people who hurt me. Without it all I wouldn't be the person I am right now. Sometimes I miss the people I put a lot of faith in, but then I remind myself I just miss the energy I put into them. It's late, and I'm listening to the wind. A little part of me will miss this place (a tiny part!).
Love Alice
x