love

it's so very difficult to imagine
anything other than you
though i've known it
i have not felt it
not like sweet intoxication
a perfection that is you
i want to breathe you in
completely
hold your scent in my nose
savour your taste
nothing else comes close to you
a part i did not know i was missing
a part i lost
what is otherwise so confusing
fits neatly into place in your arms

in autumn, they die

in autumn the colours
are more brilliant
pleasing my eye
over a constant shade
of green
dying things
they sing in red and orange
"i may no longer live
but i am still beautiful
more
than living dull tones"
they dance
on the wind in bright colours
happy to leave home
content to die
float
turn the light golden
brilliant colours
in autumn, they die

exhaustion

I'm so tired
My breath sucked from me
An empty shell
Emotions, a thin worn out cloth
But somehow he makes it worth it
To hold on
A slither of light in a darkend room
The door now ajar
Slowly edging open again
Pushed by his perfect hand
Those hands keep me together
Stop me falling to pieces
Fragile, tired
I am safe here

perhaps i should be ecstatic right now
perhaps i should be over the moon
but somehow i feel so very guilty
and i can't help it
no matter how happy i am he still loves me
no matter how tight he holds me
i know in my heart i don't deserve to be happy
no matter how much i love him
no matter how right it feels close to him
i know i don't deserve him



but i love him...

a candle

I will never understand human nature.
Why we do what we do.
Why we hurt like we do.
Does any of this really matter?
Inside I feel like all that matters is love.
My own actions have denied me this.
I don't think I will ever understand.
I am a train off the tracks,
A candle not quite burning.
I want to take back control, something I lost a while ago.
I let my life get swept away to a place I hate.
This lonliness feels eaternal.
Forgivness seems so far away.
I wish anything was possible.
I wish I could turn back time.
I will never understand this action and consequence, and how it is all my fault.

whisper "I love you" to the moon

And I whisper to the moon
Your moon
"Come back to me"

Push away the clouds
My clouds
And see me once again

Underneath I am like the moon
Your moon
Pure and white, though tainted

Stained by my unintended past
My clouds
Were never expected

A surprise storm
My clouds over the moon
But all storms pass...

all you need is time

Possibly this bubble of hope should not have appeared inside me tonight. But being so honest and so true I have surprised even myself and hopefully brought him closer to healing. My day was not ruined by this talk but merely rounded off by something I needed. I feel the edges of my gaping self-inflicted wound moving in as the beginning of my healing starts. Something I could not have done without telling him what was really going on with me.

Do not give up on love or on the people you love, because dispite mistakes and hurt, they are the ones who are then in the end. That's all that matters, at least to me.

"Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them." -Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot

So vile the kisses on my neck
I want to stop
Stop
What's the reason?
Too foggy to recall
Stop
He's there yelling
Doesn't usually yell
Stop
What was I doing?
I don't want this
Stop... please
Why are you doing this?
Brain can't find a reason
Stop
Make an excuse
Try to forget
You should have stopped
Can't remember why
Can't remember how
STOP
Scream at myself
Until I relise why
Stop
Why are you there?
For fuck sake why?
You know better
He means the world
You are so stupid
Stop now
Laughter, you deserve it
Screaming, you deserve it
Stop
You are a vile creature
Something unknown to me now and before


There should have been no reason to stop because I should not have been there. It should not have started.

Sometimes I think about death. The feeling I get is strange. Its like my body rejects the idea of being dead and screams "I'm alive!". There is a chill all over and it feels as though deep in side me a hole opens up. It is heavy with fear and an unknown I can not comprehend.
It scares me so much and I need at least a minute to recover.
Why do I feel this way always now? This deep hole and fear pushing out of every part of me. I know he's be able to hold me close and make it stop hurting. If I hadn't ruined his love. Life is death without him.
It scares me so much I don't think I will ever recover.

There's no sleep here for the guilty. Undeserving of forgiveness. Weak from a selfinflicted heartbreak. I have lost my only ally, my bestfriend, the person I rely on most to keep me sane. I love him but have hurt him so badly and all I can to do is to want to fix it, but fail to find a way. His pillow where he slept next to me, keeping me safe, still smells of him. However recent these wounds have been made, it feels like forever. Reluctant to change my sheets here I am wrapped around this pillow, searching for him in the folds, trying to feel safe again. I can only think of him. Nothing can distract me. Not even my deepest hated vice. I try to bleed and let is dissolve me away, take me over to the point of no return. But what I really want is to go back to thursday morning. Sweet morning when I knew I could be happy. I had him and adored his quiet love. I want to scream at myself until I understand why I did it. Why I threw this away. I will never forgive myself for hurting the person I love more than life itself. I dream of being back in his arms. Only his.