Saturday, March 27

The World is on Your Shoulders

This is a mistake. His lips pressed against hers. She giggled because it tickled. Her insides felt confused and her hands felt tingly. His hands slid down her sides and rested on her hips. He pulled her closer. She could hear her friends talking loudly in the next room. Why aren't we in there? They were drinking and lighting up. The boy whose hips were pressed against hers gave a dopey smile. He mumbled something incoherent and laughed. Everything was fuzzy, from the alcohol, from the weed. She had never done any drugs before and it felt weird, different to just drinking. Part of her knew this was wrong, his hands all over her, mixed up in her hair, but it was so lovely. I want to be wanted. He lay her down on the bed, slipping his hands up her dress, their bodies meshed together. They moved collectively and against each other at the same time. After all this time, fantasy and that tiny naive flame of hope, she finally had the pure bliss she longed for. Oh Steven
“What the FUCK?” came a voice from the doorway. There was a flurry of clothes and arms and legs and yelling. But one of the figures in the door didn’t move a muscle.
“Mia…” her own voice said from far away, “Let me explain.” She reached forward towards her friend. People were yelling around her, but Mia just turned silently and walked away. Where were her dress and underwear? She needed them, she needed to tell her friend she was sorry, her best friend. But before she could make it past the door someone stepped in front of her.
“Seriously, Lily, are you even listening? What the fuck? Why are you acting like such a slut? How could you even do this to Amelia? Hello?”
“Get out of my way Karen. I’m wasted and stoned and I really don’t want to talk about it.” She moved to get past her.
“What is there to talk about? We all fucking saw you. Mia wants nothing to do with you anymore, I can tell you that right now.”
“I think that’s up to Amelia.” Steven cut in. Everyone who was crammed into the small bedroom, six or seven people maybe, had their eyes on him. He was fully dressed in what felt like seconds and hours all at the same time. Her heart fell to her stomach when he saw the shame on his face. This is just a drunken mistake to him. “C’mon Lil we better find her.” He pushed her out the door, through the house and out onto the street. Her mouth felt dry and her palms were sweating. She dug in her bag for a cigarette and shakily lit it. “We need to find her. We need, we need…” He looked up and down the street, “Shit.” He took out his phone and quickly tapped in a message. Paced along the foot path and then tapped on his phone some more. She sat awkwardly down against the fence and got out her phone and another cigarette. In silence they tried to reach her with texts and phone calls. Finally, as she felt her insides would burst out of her, she mustered up strength to say,
“Maybe she went home?”
“I’ll call.”

Then, silence. Nothing but the tapping of his fingers against the plastic keys of his worn out brick of a phone. She and Amelia had always teased him about it. But she supposed that would change now.
“I have to get out of here.” She said firmly and standing up. “I’ll go check the party on Chapel Street, or whatever. See if she’s there.” She took a few steps and said, “Bye.”
“Lil… I,” He lightly touched her arm and she felt the hairs all over her body stand on end, “Um… I don’t, uh… well…” he shook his head, “never mind. Text me if you find her k?” She nodded, unable to swallow the lump that forced its way up her throat. She walked stoically away, breathing in deeply. She rounded a few corners and drew nearer to a distant sound of bass and people. The party was bigger than she had expected, hundreds of people spilled out around the large house and into the huge backyard. There was deafening music and people rubbing against each other in time to the beat. The air smelt strongly of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana. 1 new message. Leave me alone bitch. Shit. She moved back out across the street from the party and scrolled down to Stevens’s number in her phonebook and pressed call.
“Did you find her?” Came his anxious voice, he’d been crying she could tell. The only time she had ever seen him cry was when he was twelve years old and his beloved childhood dog died. Snoopy or Pookie or something.
“No but she texted me to leave her alone.” Her voice sounded far away again. “Maybe we should just let her cool off, just for tonight?” There was a long pause, a sniff and more a pause.
“Uh, I guess.” He sounded unsure.
“Well I’m going home because I’m starving and my head is killing me.”
“Okay… I might keep trying her anyway…” She knew she should be worried about Amelia and guilty about what happened. But she could not help but feel so hurt and angry. Why would he kiss her and touch her like that and then be so concerned about another girl? That ‘other girl’ is your best friend, idiot! And you just had sex with her boyfriend AND everyone saw. But she loved Steven, and, really admitting it to herself now, she always had.
“Do what you want Steve, I don’t really care at this point.”
“Lil, I –”
“Regret it, I know. Bye.”
“Wai –” but she didn’t wait, she just snapped her phone shut and shoved it in her pocket. Pulling out a cigarette she rounded the corner and walked quickly towards home. It was quite a way and by the time she reached her porch she had smoked another three cigarettes. No one was home, as usual, so she was free to eat, drink and smoke in private. She threw her bag, phone and shoes through her open bedroom door. It was time to get drunk and eat two cartons of ice-cream.
Her phone chimed on her bedroom floor. I don’t regret you, only hurting Mia. Can I come over? She did really need someone right now. And she supposed he did too.
Ok, see you soon x

No comments: