There's no sleep here for the guilty. Undeserving of forgiveness. Weak from a selfinflicted heartbreak. I have lost my only ally, my bestfriend, the person I rely on most to keep me sane. I love him but have hurt him so badly and all I can to do is to want to fix it, but fail to find a way. His pillow where he slept next to me, keeping me safe, still smells of him. However recent these wounds have been made, it feels like forever. Reluctant to change my sheets here I am wrapped around this pillow, searching for him in the folds, trying to feel safe again. I can only think of him. Nothing can distract me. Not even my deepest hated vice. I try to bleed and let is dissolve me away, take me over to the point of no return. But what I really want is to go back to thursday morning. Sweet morning when I knew I could be happy. I had him and adored his quiet love. I want to scream at myself until I understand why I did it. Why I threw this away. I will never forgive myself for hurting the person I love more than life itself. I dream of being back in his arms. Only his.