good girls go bad

it is hard to express my complete disappointment in people. real friendship is so hard to find. so elusive, that even bad or toxic friendships disguise themselves as real and pure. and in amongst daily troubles and confusion of modern life it is almost impossible to tell the flowers from the weeds. i know as little real friendships as i know fingers on one hand. within myself i feel love and honesty, but am so confused as to why this does not find me friendships that last. am i expected to lie? to hurt myself to please others? i have too much pride for that, as i have too much to reach out. there are few i feel i can go to. and i think it will remain that way until i am finally fully healed within myself. there are so many hurts and scars and pains that have changed my life and who i am. i think of all the people that could have, should have, helped me through it. but i was let down beyond anything i could have imagined. my friendships were not as strong as i had thought. i was crushed even more by my unhealthy physical and mental state, because of my disgust with the people i considered close to me. it took me so long to realise they did not know me at all. now when i need people again i find friendships once again unreal. i know at least a select few who are true, but surprised at those who aren't. once again i despair at a growing lack of morals and support for what is right. i am stronger than i once was, i am slowly healing with help of certain angels, but this hurts as much as it did before. i fear what might have been if i was not stronger. my disappointment remains but i hold myself tight and hope not to fall apart.